I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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