I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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