Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
