when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
