That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
