3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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