ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I believe in your delicious
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
