Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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