i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
