You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
