Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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