You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
