I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
