she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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