I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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