dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
