i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think weed is turning my hair brown
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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