I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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