Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
