Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
