I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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