i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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