He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
