he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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