I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
