i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
