dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
