I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is the high leading the old right now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
