I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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