Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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