U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
