Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
