Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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