A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
