I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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