I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
