i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
