I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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