I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
