You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
