I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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