that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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