Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
