I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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