I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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