dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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