I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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