why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
