wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
