Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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