Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm both gender and math confused
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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