Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
