just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
