Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
