I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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