So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
