I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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