if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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