Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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